I am not a fly
When I married my wife, I naively imagined it was just the two of us (like the song from Austin Powers with Dr. Evil and Mini-Me, except more romantic and less creepy). Anyways, I soon learned that I wasn’t just marrying my wonderful wife. No, apparently marriage is a package deal – not only did I get her immediate family, but I also inherited her extended family at no extra cost! In our case that’s like 40 people for the price of one.
Which has actually been great, for the most part, because there are some really cool and interesting people in that group of 40.
But, as in life, there are some people that just rub you the wrong way. And it can be hard to deal with that in a family setting.
Take religion for example. Out of that group of 40 you find the following:
Very conservative Christians
Moderate Christians
Liberal Christians
Unitarian Universalists
Muslims
Hindus
Not too shabby eh? That hits most of the major world religions. Believe me, family reunions can be quite a challenge at times.
Which brings me to my question. My father-in-law was at a family reunion recently, and went for a walk with some folks. He absently swatted away a wasp at one point, and commented out loud that he was going to have to put out his yellow jacket traps soon. Then he continued,
“yeah, last year we must have caught several thousand wasps over the course of the summer.”
At which point one of my wife’s cousins, who is part of a Hindu sect, said,
“the life of a wasp, the life of a dog, the life of a human – what is the difference?”
Now, that’s a conversation killer if ever there was one.
For someone you meet on a bus or a plane, you might just roll your eyes and walk away. But with family, what do you do?
Do you just blow them off and move on to another topic? Do you try to engage them in a philosophical discussion about life? Do you try and point out to them the enormous gaps in their world-view? How do you remain loving and sincere and honest all at the same time?
My first inclination is too mock them for being so stupid. But, that’s not really loving.
Then I want to mock them some more, to prove how superior I am. Again, not loving at all.
Then I want to mock them in front of other people so they can see how funny I am.
You can see where this is going.
But, this is actually kind of a serious problem. I really do struggle to accept some of these views and find a way to converse with the folks who hold them. I don’t want to blow them off – they’re family. Talking about football and the weather just seems so lame. But pretty much any other topic always involves getting into conversations about values and beliefs. And then we hit a brick wall. Like my father-in-law did. And in his case he was just making idle chit-chat.
There’s a family wedding coming up soon, followed by a reunion in October. This is something I have to work out soon.
Which has actually been great, for the most part, because there are some really cool and interesting people in that group of 40.
But, as in life, there are some people that just rub you the wrong way. And it can be hard to deal with that in a family setting.
Take religion for example. Out of that group of 40 you find the following:
Very conservative Christians
Moderate Christians
Liberal Christians
Unitarian Universalists
Muslims
Hindus
Not too shabby eh? That hits most of the major world religions. Believe me, family reunions can be quite a challenge at times.
Which brings me to my question. My father-in-law was at a family reunion recently, and went for a walk with some folks. He absently swatted away a wasp at one point, and commented out loud that he was going to have to put out his yellow jacket traps soon. Then he continued,
“yeah, last year we must have caught several thousand wasps over the course of the summer.”
At which point one of my wife’s cousins, who is part of a Hindu sect, said,
“the life of a wasp, the life of a dog, the life of a human – what is the difference?”
Now, that’s a conversation killer if ever there was one.
For someone you meet on a bus or a plane, you might just roll your eyes and walk away. But with family, what do you do?
Do you just blow them off and move on to another topic? Do you try to engage them in a philosophical discussion about life? Do you try and point out to them the enormous gaps in their world-view? How do you remain loving and sincere and honest all at the same time?
My first inclination is too mock them for being so stupid. But, that’s not really loving.
Then I want to mock them some more, to prove how superior I am. Again, not loving at all.
Then I want to mock them in front of other people so they can see how funny I am.
You can see where this is going.
But, this is actually kind of a serious problem. I really do struggle to accept some of these views and find a way to converse with the folks who hold them. I don’t want to blow them off – they’re family. Talking about football and the weather just seems so lame. But pretty much any other topic always involves getting into conversations about values and beliefs. And then we hit a brick wall. Like my father-in-law did. And in his case he was just making idle chit-chat.
There’s a family wedding coming up soon, followed by a reunion in October. This is something I have to work out soon.
posted by Jonathan Ziman at
2:58 PM
5 Comments:
Wow.
Wow.
That's nuts. I've heard of people comparing animals to people, like in PETA, but never asserting that kind of ridiculousness. Wasp = Human?
Honestly, I think a humorous tone is appropriate.
Oh yeah, animals and people. They're one and the same. Have you, for example, ever overheard a cat say, "Man, I just really need to get more connected with my emotions."
Or come across a squirrell, who's sitting on a tree branch, refusing to gather nuts. "There's just got to be more to this," he says, throwing an acorn to the ground in disgust.
Or see a dog chasing a car, and suddenly stop and say, "Wait. Why am I doing this? Does this behavior have a hold of me?"
No. No you don't. Why? Because animals don't have souls. They're bodies, like we're bodies, but with an important difference. No soul. They're not introspective. They're slaves to their instinct. That's why we say things like, "That dog's in heat." Meaning, "if there's something event remotely of the opposite sex around, there's going to be some humping."
We say that about people, too, I suppose. But we mean it as an insult. People aren't supposed to be slaves to these instincts.
Which is why we reward bravery, when men and women go against natural instinct of self-preservation to save others that are not family or not even related to them. This is the opposite of instinct, and it is one of the things that stirs us most.
I don't know how to have that conversation without laughing. I really don't. It's not very kind, I suppose. I wouldn't like it if someone mocked my beliefs.
I suppose you could quote Genesis, and have a conversation from there. Or simply say:
"There's no way that you actually believe that. You say you do, but there's no way you actually do."
Tough one.
By
David Tieche, at 12:38 AM
Wow... wow...
I'm blown away by the insensitivity going on here.
By
Missy, at 11:14 PM
Yup, me too! That's the point. I have these reactions inside my heart that appall me and I don't then know how to react outwardly. Normally I just end up saying nothing (because I'm more of an introvert in social situations).
But I need to change my attitudes somehow. And I don't have a choice but to do so because it's family we're talking about here, not some random person I'll never see again.
In real life (outside the blog world) I do get along with this guy, and try to be nice and friendly and courteous and understanding of his beliefs. But every now and then some of those beliefs just pop out in ways that astound and surprise me.
I mean, I've read about people believing in reincarnation, and I've met people who believe that they were someone else in history. But that's another human being. I've never met someone before who honestly believes that the fly I just swatted away could be their great-uncle George.
So, it's tough (for me, in this particular situation). And I am obligated to work it out somehow.
I guess it's just another example of how I am still a work in progress.
By
Jonathan Ziman, at 10:46 AM
First of all, where do "I" fit into your list of faiths? and I didn't think we had any liberal Christians in the bunch- and who in the family would be evenly remotely considered "moderate"?...
but on to your blog...
I don't know what I would have said in response to the "we're all the same under the sun" statement.
I do think the most loving way to respond is to include the following ideas -
l. trying to build bridges- make connections for future dialogs- not get into the "us vs. them" mentality.
2. Jesus would have the ideal response - something that cuts to the core of our friend's belief system and reveals the fatal flaw. If we could figure that one out and say it in a loving way, we've done our work.
3. But we don't have His insight into other's life- and what has happened, actually, is that through this dialog, He is giving you an opportunity to see into your own heart and make amends. ...And mine too- I go through that same litany of responses- laughing, superior, etc. but it's not ever really helpful as you know.
4. So, perhaps we can respond by having a humble heart and seeing if we can learn something from the faiths of our fellow family members?- I know that's a milque-toast sort of response but I think it could hold some validity.
Christianity has become very Greek/western in some ways- but it began very much in an Eastern mindset. So,without getting into the reincarnation belief of the HIndu's - which I DON'T believe he was saying, by the way, - can we practice seeing the harmony and balance possible in all of creation? Wasps/bees live in balance with the rest of us. I can appreciate that without belittling the creation of man. And that's where my beliefs differ with my new nephew-in-law. He would hold that all life is equally valid or important and I would say that life is precious- but some lives exist in subjugation to others.
Insects provide food for birds, and you can go up the food chain and at least see WHY wasps exist- And even though it's not much of "A Life", wasps do hold some life and perhaps we can appreciate life itself seeing it in balance with all things- respecting life wherever we find it.
Of course, I have no problems killing off wasps when they are around me or my child- or my roses...but trying to make a connection with another person's belief system- so he is heard and then a dialog begins- that's a good response I think.
And, as I write this, perhaps that's what he was trying to do anyway- test the waters and open up a dialog with your father-in-law?
By
Anonymous, at 7:04 AM
Yeah!!
YEAH!!!
Really well said! Oh, I'm psyched. Rock on.
And Jonathan, I see your point. Thanks for bringin' it home.
By
Missy, at 7:07 PM
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